Lawrence Kansas. 1997
Sam felt like a horrible person.
He loved Dean a lot. He may not agree with Dean all the time, but he loved his brother with all his heart. Sometimes though, Dean could be stupid. Emotionally stunted and very stupid.
How his brother never knew that Cas liked him was a mystery, when every glance Cas threw his way was filled with longing, and everything Cas did, he always did for Dean. He tolerated all of Dean’s shortcomings, and looked at Dean like he was the most fascinating creature he had ever seen.
It was so obvious that Cas was in love with Dean. Yet Dean didn’t know. Or he knew, yet he didn’t seem to care.
Which made Sam feel like a horrible person for wanting to punch Dean in the face after he invited Cas to Amanda’s birthday party to meet her ‘hot British cousin’.
“Come on Cas, think about it!” he said as they got off the bus and started walking to their house. “We can go on double dates if you score Amanda’s cousin. Amanda always wanted to try going on double dates. It’d be perfect!”
The scared look on Cas’ face said it all. “…Dean,” Cas said pleadingly.
“Do you even know this ‘hot British cousin’?” Sam chimed in.
“No, but Amanda assured me she was pretty. Besides, what’s the harm in meeting someone new, huh Cas? You might finally get a girlfriend.”
“I’m not looking for a girlfriend, Dean,” Cas answered.
Dean laughed. “You’ve never had a girlfriend in high school. You could sure use one. Help you lighten up a bit,” he said, elbowing Cas teasingly.
Sam had to remind himself that this was Dean, his brother, and not some insensitive dick that was picking on Cas. And it wasn’t Dean’s fault he didn’t know. Not entirely his fault, anyway.
“I’ll get into a relationship when I find the right person,” Cas told him. “And not because my best friend thinks I have to ‘lighten up a bit’.”
“Well, at least come to the party with me. You’re both invited. You don’t even have to talk to anyone British there.”
Cas frowned. “But how will I know they’re British if I don’t talk to them?”
Dean burst out laughing and Sam just tried to hide his snickering while Cas looked at them in confusion.
“Dude, I have no idea,” Dean said as his laughter died down. “Maybe they smell like tea or something.”
“Bela didn’t smell like tea,” Cas said as he sat down beside Sam on the steps of Amanda’s front porch. The party was in full swing in the Heckerlings’ backyard area and most of the guests were Amanda’s relatives and friends.
“Amanda’s British cousin?” Sam asked, giving him a sympathetic look and offered his plate to him. “Cake?” he asked.
“Nah,” Cas said, shaking his head. He sipped Coke from his plastic cup as they watched the people walking from their cars to the side of the house. It was very sunny autumn day, and though there was a definite chill in the air, that didn’t stop Amanda from having her barbecue/pool party, or for her guests to enjoy it in their swimsuits. “She wasn’t so bad,” Cas told him.
“You didn’t like her,” Sam said. He didn’t phrase it as a question because he knew the answer already.
Cas chuckled. “Nope. And she didn’t like me, which was really fortunate. Otherwise Dean would’ve insisted on that double date.”
“You could always say ‘no’ if he does it again,” Sam advised.
“I know. And I did say ‘no’,” Cas said. “I’m… I’m not like Dean. I can’t see myself with someone unless I’m absolutely certain I’m in love with them,” he revealed. “Dean would call me a ‘hopeless romantic’.”
Sam glanced at Cas and was struck by the sadness in Cas’ eyes. He was in love with Dean, but Dean didn’t love him back and he probably never would. That sadness, that heartache in Cas’ eyes disturbed Sam. Because that look right there was something Sam knew very well. It was the same look he saw in the mirror, and the same look he was probably giving Cas right now.
Glancing away, Sam ate a piece of his cake in silence. He watched a little boy run naked across the yard, his mother running after him shouting ‘Jesse put your trousers on!’
“You think you’ll ever find that person?” Sam asked. “Not just someone you’re in love with, but someone who actually loves you back?”
“I don’t know,” Cas sighed. “My dad thought he found that with my mom, but you know how that went,” Cas said with a roll of his eyes.
In the yard, little Jesse was still being chased by his mom, and his sister had joined in the chase, too. They went in circles and it looked really silly. Nobody was getting anywhere.
And that’s when Sam decided he’d had enough.
“You should tell him,” he said, turning to face Cas, his heart hammering wildly in his chest.
Cas looked at him in bewilderment. “Tell who what?”
“Dean. Tell him,” Sam said.
Cas stiffened immediately. He masked the terrified look on his face quickly and smiled, “Tell Dean what?” he asked.
“I know, okay?” Sam told him. “You don’t have to hide it from me. You’re in love with my brother.”
The forced smile on Cas’ face faded, along with all the color on his skin. He opened his mouth to speak, but he just ended up staring at Sam with wide, unblinking eyes.
Sam tried to shrug, to make it look like it wasn’t a big deal, even if it was. “I’ve known all along, Cas. And don’t worry, I won’t tell my brother,” he reassured him. “But you have to tell him.”
“Why—” Cas voice failed him and he cleared his throat a couple of times just to get the words out, “Why would I do that?” he asked, placing his cup on the floor and crossing his arms in front of him as if to shield him from what Sam was about to say. “And you knew… all this time? But you didn’t say anything?”
Sam swallowed the lump in his throat. “What am I supposed to say? You didn’t say anything either. But that’s not the point. You know nothing’s going to happen until you tell my brother you’re in love with him.”
“Dean would never—“ Cas said, shaking his head.
“You never know…”
“No, you don’t understand, Sam,” Cas insisted. “I know Dean. He would never… never return my… f—“ Cas stopped, unable to form the words. “He’s my best friend Sam, I can’t destroy that.”
“Bullshit!” Sam said, standing up from his seat and walking down to the lawn.
“Sam,” Cas said breathlessly, surprised at Sam’s cursing, and the venom behind it.
“You wanna be happy?” he asked, turning to look down at Cas still sitting on the steps. “You tell the person you love that you love them. What’s so difficult about that? If he says he loves you, then great! You get what you want,” Sam said, even as his chest grew tight at the idea of Cas being together with Dean. “If he says he doesn’t love you, then okay, at least you know for sure and you can move on…” he continued.
“It’s not that easy, Sam,” Cas tried to reason out.
“Oh really? It IS easy. You’re just too scared to do it,” Sam told him. The look of shocked hurt on Cas’ face made Sam’s chest grow tight, but he ignored it and went on. “You wanna see how easy it is?” Sam asked. He took a deep breath. There was no going back now. “I love you,” he admitted.
“Sam…”Cas said breathlessly, surprised by the honesty and sincerity in Sam’s voice. His first thought was that Sam was showing him how to say his feelings to someone. But Sam’s voice as he said it, and his eyes, focused and determined and burning with emotion told him all he needed to know. Sam was telling the truth. Sam loved him. Love. It was almost too much to comprehend. “Sam…” he said again.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve been in love with you for a long time,” Sam went on. “And before you tell me I’m too young, you’ve been in love with my brother ever since you were my age. So don’t tell me I’m too young to know what it means.”
“Please tell me you’re kidding,” Cas said in disbelief. He didn’t know what else to say. Sam was in love with him? It couldn’t be. “You’re just saying this to—“
Sam was affronted. “You think I’m kidding? Do I look like I’m kidding?” he asked. He tried to keep his voice down, but a couple of guests were starting to look their way.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t mean it like that,” Cas said, and Sam immediately felt guilty for making Cas feel bad. That wasn’t his intention at all.
Sam sighed. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I just… I’m so tired of this already. I’m so tired of looking at you and seeing you so hung up on Dean and he has no idea. I keep thinking… I keep thinking…” Sam said, as if unable to find the right words to express how he felt. “I keep thinking why couldn’t it be me?” Sam finally asked, and just like that, it felt like all of his energy was gone and he gave Cas an utterly defeated look. “If-if we’d met… if you were my classmate and we became friends instead of you and Dean… would you… would you have picked me instead?”
Cas stared at Sam for one long, silent moment, before he whispered, “Oh Sam…”, so quietly his voice hardly carried in the air.
Sam’s eyes started to water when Cas said his name again. Because in that instant, he saw all he needed to see. There was understanding and concern and guilt in Cas’ face. Guilt that he never knew about Sam’s feelings, and guilt that he would never be able to return them. He didn’t need to say anything else, it was clear.
“I get it,” Sam said. He forced a smile on his face. “See? That wasn’t so hard. I got my answer. I don’t have to wonder—“
“Sam,” Cas said, reaching a hand out to try and comfort him, but Sam stepped away.
“It’s…” Sam sniffed. “It’s your turn.”
“Sam, please?” Cas said, standing up from the porch. “I don’t know what to do… please don’t cry?”
“I’m not,” Sam said indignantly, even as the tears started falling down his cheeks. He hated the way Cas looked at him now. Like he was someone to be pitied. He took a few more steps back. “Tell Dean. Or you’ll regret it,” he said, and with that he turned around and ran away. Ran as fast as he could away from Cas. He didn’t care where his feet led him, he just needed to run.
“How about her? She looks smokin’,” Garth, one of the paralegals, pointed out over drinks.
“Her? Pretty sure that girl’s name is Madison,” Ash, one of the guys from IT, told Sam.
The Roadhouse was up to capacity with people that night. Half of the crowd was from Milton Adler, taking advantage of the free booze courtesy of Sam, while the other half were regular patrons of the pub. The people from the firm had already been there drinking for a while, a lot of them well on their way to a massive hangover the next day, and Sam was no exception.
Which was probably why, despite himself, Sam checked out this Madison girl that the guys had been pointing out. She was a petite brunette having drinks with a couple of her friends. Sam liked brunettes.
“Bad idea,” Chuck said, shaking his head. “That’s Nate Mulligan’s secretary. You know, from Mulligan & Mueller?”
“So? It’s not like you’re sleeping with her to get information on her boss,” Ash said.
“No, you know what? That’s a great idea. Sleep with her to get information on her boss,” Garth chimed in.
Sam chuckled. “Will you guys cut it out? I’m not picking her up. I’m not picking anyone up for tonight, you got that?”
“I don’t know man, what’s a celebration without a little booze and booty, eh?” Ash said, winking at Sam.
“Oh dear, she’s here,” Chuck suddenly said.
“Who?” Sam asked, turning to look at the door. A petite blonde walked in, and Sam recognized her instantly. “That’s Inias’ assistant, right? Becky?” Sam asked.
“I asked her if she was coming… she said she wasn’t. But she’s here,” Chuck said, sounding nervous.
“Well, go ahead!” Ash said. “Talk to her.”
Chuck chugged the rest of his beer and squared his shoulders. “Alright, I’m talking to her.”
“That’s the spirit!” Ash said happily as they watched Chuck weave his way through the tables to get to Becky. “What did I say? Huh? Booze and booty,” he said with a wink.
Sam just chuckled and continued drinking. They’ve been relentless in telling him to pick someone up that night, and every time a woman so much as glanced at Sam’s direction, they immediately told him to talk to them. He wasn’t really interested in them. His attention was mostly on Cas. He was seated by a secluded table drinking beer with Inias, and Sam had been so busy trying to entertain his guests (and making sure they don’t order ridiculously expensive wine) that he didn’t really get a chance to talk to Castiel all night. Their earlier conversation about why Cas became a lawyer was still stuck in his mind. Now, he wanted to learn more about Cas’ life after he left Lawrence more than ever. He wanted to learn everything.
When Inias stood up from the table and walked to the bar to chat with Alfie and a couple other associates, Sam found his opening. He stood up, grabbed his beer, and excused himself from the table. Now that most of his guests were sufficiently buzzed and entertaining themselves, it was the perfect time to try and talk to Cas again. It didn’t matter that Sam was probably sufficiently buzzed as well.
“Hey, enjoying the night so far?” Sam asked as he took the seat that Inias vacated.
“Yes. The food here is excellent. And so is the beer,” Cas commented.
“You ate the cheeseburger, didn’t you?”
Cas chuckled. “You seem to know me well.”
“Not as much as I hoped to,” Sam admitted. “Wow,” Sam grinned. “I’ve been wanting to say that for a long time.”
The look on Cas’ face was something like fondness, or tolerance. Either way, Sam liked it. “What do you want to know?” Cas asked.
“Everything,” Sam said, gesturing with his hands. “I wanna know everything.”
“Okay,” Cas said, surprising Sam. “Where do you want me to start?”
Sam contemplated for a moment. “Let’s start with Dean.” And whoa, okay, he may have jumped to that way too soon, and by the look of surprise on Cas’ face, Cas seemed to think so, too.
Cas cocked his head to the side. “Dean? What about him?”
“You still like Dean?”
“He is my friend,” Cas answered.
“Not like that. I mean like, as in do you still like like Dean,” Sam clarified, though he didn’t know if he got his message across.
Cas leaned across the table. “Sam?”
“Yeah,” Sam asked, blinking.
“No, I’m not,” he said before leaning on the table so that his face was mere inches from Cas’ “Cas?” he asked.
“Answer the question.”
Cas’ brow twitched and he leaned back on his seat. It took him a few seconds to form a reply, eyes never leaving Sam’s face in that span of time. Sam refused to blink, looking at Cas like they were in a staring match to the death. Until Cas blinked and it was all over. “No, I don’t,” Cas finally replied. “I found out during college that I could stand being away from him. My life moved on, even if Dean wasn’t there. I moved on. So no. I don’t like your brother like that anymore. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
Sam frowned. “Depends. Do you mean it?”
“Of course,” Cas said with a serious face. “Though I could hardly imagine why it would matter now. That was more than a decade—“
“I didn’t,” Sam interrupted.
Cas took a moment to comprehend what Sam meant. “You didn’t what?”
Sam grabbed his wallet from the back pocket of his pants, and with shaky fingers, he pulled out the small moose pendant inside. “I didn’t move on,” Sam said, placing the pendant on the table between them.
Cas looked down at the pendant with wide eyes, then back at Sam’s face. Sam held Cas’ gaze, hoping that what he couldn’t say, Cas could see in his eyes instead. “I thought I did… but I was wrong. I see you again… and suddenly I’m back to being a kid… looking at you and wishing you’d look at me.”
“Sam…” Cas said, and Sam saw it again. There was understanding and concern and guilt in his face. So much guilt.
Sam had to laugh. “And now I feel like I’m 14 again, shaking in my boots as I confess my love to you at some girl’s birthday party,” he said before taking a long swig from his beer. “Still as pathetic as I used to be.”
“Don’t say that,” Cas told him. “You were never pathetic.”
Sam waved a dismissive hand. “It’s cool,” he said, trying to smile. “You were always so nice to me. And what did I do? I pushed you away. I did that, right? I pushed you away,” he said before he pocketed his wallet and stood up from his seat. “I just wish I had enough sense not to make the same mistake again, huh?” he asked, before turning to walk away.
Cas grabbed at Sam’s wrist and Sam stopped and looked back at him.
“And now you’re running away again,” Cas told him. “Stay and we’ll talk,” he said, picking up the pendant from the table and handing it back to Sam.
Sam took the pendant and smiled. “Dude, I gotta piss. I’ll be right back,” he explained.
“Oh,” Cas said, dropping Sam’s arm. “I will wait for you then.”
Sam nodded. He weaved his way through the tables and went to the comfort room. He opened his hand and stared at the pendant. He was holding it so tightly that it left a red mark on his palm. He sighed as he carefully placed it back in his wallet.
When he came out, he grabbed a beer and passed by Ash and Garth’s table. “I’ll think I’ll try my luck with Madison,” he said, grinning as the two men cheered him on.
He never went back to Cas’ table.
Sam was dreaming.
Part of having a very active imagination was that Sam often had very vivid dreams. Usually these dreams happened when he had a long, deep sleep, which was rare in law school, and even rarer now that he was working.
Tonight, however, he was having one of his vivid dreams.
In this dream, he was kissing Castiel out in the alley beside The Roadhouse. He had him pinned to the cold brick with his body while Castiel’s arms were wrapped around his neck, his long fingers carding through his hair. Sam pushed a thigh in between Cas’ legs, and hiked his knee up, earning a gasp from Cas when Sam ground against his erection. “You’re hard,” Sam said with laughter, kissing Cas’ mouth again before moving to mouth at his jaw.
“So… so are you,” Cas answered before a groan was torn from his throat as Sam began to thrust his pelvis against Cas’, the friction of their clothed cocks sliding against one another so delicious and so overwhelming yet so very lacking at the same time. “Sam…” Cas gasped as one particularly hard thrust left Cas dizzy and clinging to Sam’s arms. Sam captured his lips in a kiss again, then his jaw, then his neck, and it was like he couldn’t get enough of his taste, of the heat of his skin against his fingers, of the grip of Cas’ hands on his biceps. And god, Cas was so gorgeous like this, flushed and panting and covered with Sam’s body. Cas wasn’t a small man, but pinned against the wall and clinging to Sam like this, he almost looked tiny compared to Sam, and it made Sam’s blood boil. Made him want to pin him to the wall harder, pull him up so his legs wrapped around his waist, make him take Sam’s cock like that over and over again.
“God, Cas… want you so bad,” Sam moaned, thrusting against Cas again and making the smaller man shiver. One of his hands danced over Cas’ lower back before dipping in to the waistband of Cas’ pants and underwear and grabbing one firm globe of his ass. With a jolt, Cas pushed against Sam’s chest, effectively stopping Sam’s hand and teasing fingers from going further.
“What?” Sam complained. “If you tell me to stop now—“
“Your place or mine?” Cas asked, voice rough and heavy and Sam had to laugh at his luck tonight.
“Unless you can get to your place in less than five minutes, we’re going to mine.”
The next thing Sam knew, they were stumbling into his apartment, and as soon as the door closed behind them, Cas was pulling Sam’s suit jacket off and Sam was trying, and failing to get Cas’ shirt undone. “I’ll pay for it,” he said, and before Cas could ask what he meant, he gripped the fabric in both hands and tore it open, buttons flying everywhere as Cas looked at him incredulously.
“I could’ve done it,” Cas said in disbelief.
Sam just chuckled and kissed Cas to silence any other protests.
Cas was having none of it, and bit Sam’s bottom lip in retaliation. Sam groaned, grabbing Cas by his waist and half dragging, half carrying him into the bedroom. He pushed Cas onto the bed, intent on pinning him once again with his body.
This time, however, Cas had other plans, and he pulled Sam down on the bed and turned him around so he lay on his back while Cas made quick work of his pants. The moment Sam’s cock was released from its constraints, Sam stroked at it, and was pleased when Cas stopped undressing long enough to watch Sam jerk himself off. Sam was big. Like the rest of him, his cock was impressive, and Cas licked his lips as he watched Sam’s hand go up and down his length. Sam stopped to grip himself tight at the base, keeping himself from coming at the sight of Cas divesting himself of the rest of his clothing and crawling towards him on the bed. “Jesus, Cas,” Sam breathed, and Cas placed his hand above Sam’s and started stroking up and down Sam’s length.
When Cas bent down and took Sam in his mouth, it was a miracle Sam didn’t come right then and there. It was an even bigger miracle he didn’t come even when Cas started licking him and sucking him in earnest. Cas couldn’t swallow him whole, his girth stretching Cas’ mouth obscenely wide, but he took all that he could, and withdrew before he started to gag. It was the hottest thing Sam had ever seen.
Cas took one last lick at the head of Sam’s cock before rising back up to his knees. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he moved to straddle Sam’s thighs, and Sam’s breath hitched as Cas slid forward and forward until he sat on Sam’s stomach. And dear god, Sam could come from the sight of Cas alone, flushed and panting, his cock jutting upwards to his stomach. He had his hands braced on Sam’s chest as he scooted backward a bit until Sam felt it, a sweet, hot friction on his cock and realized Cas was sliding his ass up and down Sam’s length, the precome and saliva Cas left behind barely easing the movement.
Sam’s hands flew to Cas ass, kneading and gripping the firm flesh as he started thrusting up between Cas’ cheeks. Cas moaned, rocking back on Sam’s erection, and shuddering violently every time the head of Sam’s cock glided deliciously against his hole.
“Sam…Sa-am,” Cas moaned brokenly and Sam’s vision began to white out. Cas may have said something, and he may have answered, but he couldn’t remember what it was, until Cas’ weight was off of him abruptly.
He tried to focus, but as dreams went, he wasn’t really able to comprehend this part very well. The next thing he remembered was Cas’s weight back on top of him, and, oh, he was sinking down on him. It was hot and tight, so tight and so, so good that Sam thought it was impossible to feel this much pleasure. His eyes rolled to the back of his head, until he heard Cas’ moan again and his eyes snap open. He wanted to watch this, wanted to brand the image in his memory. He kept his eyes wide open and watched Cas lower himself inch by agonizing inch down his cock. Cas paused midway to take a deep breath, and Sam was struck by the concentration on his face.
“You okay?” he asked, and Cas nodded in response.
“You’re—“ Cas began, an amused smile forming on his face, “You’re… bigger… than I… anticipated,” he said, his thighs trembling as he lowered himself a fraction of an inch more.
“Go slow,” Sam advised, his hand settling on Cas’ thigh and stroking gently to soothe him. He brought his other hand to glide over Cas’ chest, pausing to worship a nipple.
Cas shuddered as Sam’s fingers toyed with the hardened bud before moving to its twin and giving it the same treatment. Then Sam’s hand moved down his stomach and finally to his cock, where Sam stroked him slowly, making him shudder and his thighs tremble all the more. He took a deep breath and rose up barely an inch before sliding back down further. The sensation of Sam’s cock moving inside him definitely outweighed the discomfort and Cas tried again, bouncing up a bit before sinking lower and lower until he was fully seated on Sam’s cock.
“God that’s—“ Sam stopped when Cas rolled his hips and the sweet, sweet feeling of his cock buried deep in Cas became too much to bear. “Fuck Cas—I’m not gonna last,” he choked out.
Cas even had the nerve to smile and ‘tsk’ at him, choosing instead to continue the slow rolling of his hips that drove Sam wild.
Sam’s hands moving to either side of Cas’ hips to spur him on, and Cas relented, finally rising up and sinking back down on Sam. Slowly at first, then picking up his pace, until he was bouncing on top of Sam eagerly. And god did Sam love his dream version of Cas, frantic with lust and wild abandon. Like the calm and composed lawyer was just a ruse and this was what Cas was really like—wild, and passionate and starving for Sam’s cock.
Bending his knees and putting his feet flat on the mattress for leverage, Sam began meeting Cas’ up-down movement with thrusts of his own. They established a rhythm soon after, Sam thrusting up to Cas’ tight heat as Cas impaled himself on Sam’s cock.
When Cas’ hands encircled his own cock and started jerking himself off in frantic strokes, Sam knew it was all over. Cas sank himself completely on to Sam and came with a loud moan, bursts of his come splattering between his fingers and on to Sam’s chest.
Sam followed a split second later, the fluttering of Cas’ inner muscles throwing him off the edge and his orgasm punched out of him, leaving him unable to breathe as he shot his load deep inside Cas. His orgasm took forever, like a form of torture meant to drain the life out of him. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, couldn’t hear anything but static and couldn’t see anything but stars and galaxies and Cas, lying down boneless on top of him, looking every bit like a debauched fallen angel. And then even that faded from his vision and all he saw was nothing.
Sam hated hangovers.
The reason he rarely allowed himself to get drunk was because he hated having hangovers the next day. He woke up the morning after his drinking party with a pounding headache. His vision was swimming as he focused all his energy on getting up and making it to the bathroom before he threw up. He barely made it, too, and spent the next five or ten minutes just making the toilet seat his new pillow.
Eventually, he got up, took a really nice, long piss and rinsed his mouth in the sink. He nearly tripped over the waste basket on his way out, and noticed a used condom inside it. His eyebrows shot skyward. ‘How did that happen?’ he asked himself. He peered through the bathroom door and saw a hint of someone’s smooth, slender back from under the blankets. ‘Madison, right…’ Sam remembered.
He relented to his co-workers’ teasing and chatted her up. She was really into him, and he remembered making out with her, which was good, because Sam remembered close to nothing after that. At least he was almost positive he didn’t force her or anything. Not that he’d do that to anyone, but the possibility that he did scared him a bit. When he made his way back into the bedroom, he picked up his pants lying on the floor and started pulling them on as quietly as he could. He didn’t remember last night, but maybe he could make up to her by fixing up some breakfast.
Then Madison stirred, groaned low and turned around. “Ugh…what time is it?”
And Sam stopped from putting his pants on and froze with his foot in the air. He turned his gaze toward the bed, and felt his world stop spinning.